Lindsay Campbell

nixta:

Lindsay - you surely get it by now. Play nice. Play along…

Only in America…

Poor A. Stop yelling at him. It’s not his fault.

It’s important for the American people to see that their public figures are united as a family. In France, Sarcozy’s wife just told him to fuck off and get on with things himself, which he did and which she did (it wasn’t a hooker, but still). Here, the delusional fabric of public family is, whilst tearing at the seams, one last faux-comforter for the people.

As pubic figures, they belong to us, so they must tell us what happened because we’re nosy noxious little bottom-feeders, but please don’t make us uncomfortable by going into details or discussing it with us, because that would just be awkward and how would we explain that to the kids. But please do pretend it’s all OK and be big about it with an apology to *US*. Apologise to your wife on your own dime. That’s step 1.

Step 2? This is a two-parter:

A) Delude us all that you’re bigger than we are by somehow resolving this issue. “Oh, if my man ever did something like that, I’d be like ‘GET OUT YOU DIRTY LITTLE SCROTAL SCAB OUT OF MY HOUSE!’ - I don’t know how they find the strength to get through it”. The real answer is “Honey [slap! - DON’T EVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN!] Ok Ok… if we put on a united front we can avoid resigning and keep my massive salary for just a bit longer and perhaps it’ll blow over”. We’ll give you some time to do it, and we’ll call it privacy, but we want updates, damnit!

B) For God’s sake don’t let it out that we voted for someone who visits prostitutes, does drugs, or drives a Japanese car. We all know all American men do those things (except drive forrin cars) - we’re proud of our red-blooded muscle - but we can’t tell anyone.

2.5 kids. A white picket fence. A Labradoodpug and a daughter on the cheer-leading team. White smiles and deep tans all round please!

DING! Seconds out… Round 2…

I don’t think I’ve expressed myself with my usual alacritous efficiency, but it’s early and I need breakfast. In fact, I haven’t even brushed my haphazard English teeth yet, so forgive me please…

lindsaycampbell:

I just got home from Texas so I haven’t been immersed in all the Spitzer news like I’m sure people have been here in the Big Apple but I just scanned a few articles and landed on this one.

A is basically asleep but since he was semi-conscious I just started yelling at him that if he becomes the governor of New York after a career of prosecuting corrupt officials and prostitution rings, I WILL NOT STAND WITH HIM WHEN HE MAKES HIS RIDICULOUS “I MADE A BOO BOO” SPEECH before the press. I might love him, I might even forgive him, but there is no fucking way I’m going to stand there behind him and say nothing for all the world to watch. Fuck that. And fuck Hillary’s decision to do the same, and McGreevey’s wife, and Larry Craig’s too. I’m so tired of women playing this role. If he can meet up with the hooker alone he can make his apology for meeting up with her alone too. And then they can reconcile behind closed doors if they want to.

I guess the one positive to come out of this is that all the guys who don’t cheat on their wives with hookers can give themselves a pat on the back tonight. :)